Yesterday. You have been gone from this earth 2 years now. Yesterday made 2 years. Two years that I have shuffled through my days and nights learning how to do this without you. “This” meaning life without the one person who I know loved me unconditionally and the one person i always knew was only a phone call or a quick 3 minute drive away if i had a crisis. Yesterday. Yesterday was also the day that i picked up my sweet little Dinky, or his ashes at least, my 3 lb poodle who protected and watched over me for all of his 16 years that God granted me with that special fur baby. Mom loved him like a grandchild so I’m sure she saw him through, at least far enough to be with his partner in crime who just left us in June, a mere 6 months before my little Dink passed of a broken heart because my 15 year old sweet fur baby Haley passed from heart failure. I fell surrounded by loss. Surrounded by the darkness of grief. Is there any other way I could possibly feel right now? Alone. Broken from the loss of so many of my loved ones.
My 3 fur babies and my Mom, the last 4 losses Iv’e endured, all in less than 2 years. I held them all as they drew their last breath of air in this world of pain. I felt like I handed each of them to Jesus as He took their hand from mine and led them to a Paradise that renewed them to their once beautiful and pain free souls. I pray they are all waiting for me when it’s time for Our God to call me Home as well.
Well….we can all see where that got me, huh? I think and rethink. I think and overthink. It is pretty ridiculous that my OCD has me trapped so far in that I cant get through one blog post and be satisfied. That’s now my GOAL. I am going to post daily, what I feel, I may not even proof read and then I will hit send!! I’m tired of being stuck and I truly need to be heard and I need others to comment on my post, positive or negative….i don’t care, I just need to be heard. It’s so hard for me to write on my past life knowing people will read my words but finally, FINALLY I DONT CARE and i welcome both good or bad comments!!
Has any of you ever lost so many people at once, like a dominoes effect, that it’s hard to breathe and except? That’s me. I’m no stranger to loss and my first loss was at age 12 when i lost my paternal grandmother. I loved her dearly and if anyone is in Heaven it would be my sweet grandma Dot! A saint.
I will go back and tell the in between story, from the time I was 12 until the present, I am 44 but at the moment, I have issues that need resolving and I hope and Pray I can get some feedback from someone out there that has been in my shoes that could lend a helping word or two. I think maybe that I have explained my life and my faith, in general, for the most part who i am in the older blog post. if you havent read them, it’s ok….you can go back to them later. i have this crazy, unbelievable (for some) thing happening in my life right now that I VERY MUCH NEED HELP WITH FROM UN BIASED FOLKS! Thats where you all come along! Im going to be very generic in my story telling because i dont want to get into all the complicated details as of yet. I kinda of just want it…..as simple as I can possibly get it right now for you guys to opinion a yay or nay right now, my next post will be more detailed. I’m really hoping for some help on this so Dear Lord, get this post out there in the world today on this little blog I just piddle around with for my own grief in all fairness, this time Lord, I need people!!!! I need all my fellow people in the world that runs up on this to please give an opinion, no matter what it may be. I welcome ALL feedback!!
Here goes……….(DEEP BREATHES…….ME………JUST SAY IT) ;
Ok, I was contacted by my Aunt who lives a good 10 hours from me last year, Feb, 1st 2019. Which might I add was the anniversary of my Mom one year death date. I was having a hard time that day anyway. I love my aunt and i love when we get to talk because it’s not often and we are usually sharing memories and catching up for ay least 2-3 hours. Yes, my ear is fire red when i hang up. This particular evening, i could tell she had something to say but was finding the words hard to form in her mouth. First….My Mom and Dad divorced after 25 years of marriage when I was 2 years old. My brother was 17 years older than i, Mom always said i was the miracle she always dreamed of. She wasn’t suppose to be able to conceive but at 42 years old….she missed a period and 17 years of NO birth control at all. SURPRISE……God had BIG plans and funny jokes for my parents! Needless to say, here I came September 2nd, 1976. Green eyes and hair so blonde it was white! Yes, I was spoiled. My Dad was …well, what my grandma used to call a “lady’s man”. He was extremely handsome, he and mom owned the movie theater in the town we lived in as well as a restaurant and an oil company. Oh, he was also the chief of police in our little town too. My Mom was picture perfect gorgeous. I promise I’m not just saying these things because they are my parents, they were both beautiful and even more beautiful as a pair! Of course…that does not mean they had the perfect marriage!
So, the reason for my aunt, which is my Dad’s sister, that called me that evening was a much different reason than ever before. Finally she said….”Steph, I know no other way to say this except to say it…you have a half sibiling”. WOW but not a real big wow. I knew that my mom and dad’s divorce was somewhat due to my Dad’s infidelity’s. For some reason, I always felt i did have a half sibiling. The shock came when she told me who this half Brother of mine is. She asked if i wanted to know who he was, as she went on to tell me that NOONE but her, my Dad and the mother/mistress knew this. This had been a secret that never leaked and in this town that i am still in, that is amazing! Everyone know everyone here! I mean, come on, really, what? Do you think Im going to say, NAH, I dont want to know who this person is that shares my DNA. OF COURSE I WANT TO KNOW!! Keep in mind, My Mom and Dad have passed already and so has my dear, real, 100% Brother in 1999 from cancer. When she told me the name of this half brother, before i knew it, i had dropped the phone and had ran outside on my deck, crying, wondering if i heard her correctly!! This affair happened 2 years before i was even born. This 1/2 brother i will call “Hughes” just because this is still a secret and someone may stumble across my blog and i can’t give any of it away until i figure out how to do it correctly. Long story short, this guy was the most gorgeous football player I knew. All the girls wanted him! EVEN ME……,OMG……..YIKES!!!! Thank God that did not happen. I sat on this info for about a month and decided to contact the MOM/mistress. I was scared because i had no clue how i would feel, my mom was my best friend, how dare she almost break my family up before i was even born!! Turned out, I have mad respect for this wonderful lady. I felt better knowing this was not a product of a 1 night stand. My Mom and Dad had a few months apart as did the mistress and her husband and that is when this happened. Just hearing her say, I loved your Dad and when I found out I was pregnant, I just could not ruin 2 families so we agreed to go on with our lives, and we never told any one any different about my 2nd pregnancy. No one questioned it, “hughes” was my husbands child at that was it. She then went on to tell me that his entire life, she always saw my Daddy in him and OMGOSHHHH, they are identical!! No DNA test has ever been done because she says she knows because her and her husband wasn’t sexually active at the time and the dates put it right there with Daddy but you know some men, he thought nothing of it except his wife was gonna have another little boy and it would save their marriage.
And there you have it. That’s the story but the problem is this…..the Mom/mistress told me that she had always wanted to confess to him but she didn’t feel the time was right. I told her i would leave it to her and that never ever would i have any intension of telling the secret until she was ready. It’s going on 2 years now. My 1/2 brother’s Dad (whom he thought was his dad) died in a car wreck 4 years agoi and his brother that he thought was his REAL brother just passed away at only 48 years old from diabetes 2 months ago. He too has lost A Dad and Brother just like me. I have a son that is 25 and besides him, I have no family at all left on Earth, but my aunt that lives hours from me. That makes me want to tell him even more but i dont want to hurt his mom. I just dont think she will ever get the nerve up to tell him. Where he is right now, the COVID-19 is very bad and Im so scared I want get to share this with him, im scared he may die too before we can even have a chance. Is it fair that I have to carry this secret alone? It was My daddy who done that to my Mom. Why should i live with this alone? I dont Know!!!??? That’s why I am asking someone, anyone….any advice, ANY will help me figure out what i should do. I dont want to hurt anyone but He is my brother that looks just like my Dad and whole brother and i almost cry when i see pictures, knowing he is half my blood!! HELP PLEASE!!!
Thank you so much, anyone with some input, im desperate!! Thanks for taking the time to read my story guys! Stay safe from COVID-19! These are scary times anyway. Always tell your family you love them and kiss them before saying bye.
And Nevertheless She Persisted….
She is fragile like a Bomb…
Not a flower..
PLEASE, I Need Some Advice On An Extremely Sensitive Subject because I can’t seem to figure it out on my own and I am definitely on my own here!
From a doctor’s account of the situation when a mother wanted an abortion, the abortion wasn’t necessary. She asked for it because she was scared. The doctor had to perform the abortion because it was the mother’s choice, not because it was the best of all the options.
‘I took my grief down to the river to drown it there but it was the grief that carried me and it won’t be bringing me home.’
Operating statewide programs for the Departments of Health and Human Services in Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Michigan, Real Alternatives is a nonprofit organization that provides pregnancy support services and parenting education. One of the primary missions of Real Alternatives is to educate pregnant women about abortion alternatives and their rights under the law. Providing support the […]Feeling Forced into Abortion? — Real Alternatives Blog
The below image is a certificate A priest sent to me after talking with him about regretting the abortion and how i was forced into this Traumatizing act despite the begging I done to save my babies LIFE!
This is MY story. My story was silent for 20 years. Silent due to shame, guilt, low self esteem, embarrassment and a tremendous amount of pain.
The pain that I’ve carried for so many years was brought on by an abortion that was NOT MY CHOICE! Yes, I understand that I was young….to young to have a baby BUT the fact of the matter was, I got pregnant and it couldn’t be reversed. OH, but that is why it is so easy for people to convince young teen moms to have an abortion because they want you to believe an abortion is “reversing” your first mistake! WRONG!
Here are a few famous words used by abortionist and anyone else trying to convince a woman to abort: “It’s just tissue”, “It’s a clump of cells”, “It’s as small as a grain of rice”. “Once you have the procedure, your life will go back to normal and no one will ever have to know”. “It will be over before you know it”.
I was 14 weeks pregnant by the time the abortion took place. It was my third, 3 hour trip in silence that I had made with my mom and stepdad. The first two times they took me to PPH, I refused to have it done.
I had an ultrasound done and I asked to see the screen. I was told that it would be best that i did not look. I was then told they would have to insert “a piece of seaweed” into my cervix so the procedure would be more comfortable for me. “COMFORTABLE”. Wow… After the “laminaria” was placed in my cervix, they sent me home, 3 hours away, to wait another 24 hours for my cervix to dialate.
That was one of the most horrific, torturous nights of my life. See, what everyone failed to tell me was the “clump of tissue” with a heartbeat, that I was carrying inside of me, was too big to pass through a cervix not dialated and too big to “just be sucked out”!
No one ever said that one day, that entire time frame of my life would suddenly come rushing back to me and that is when I would figure out what really took place! They never said the dreams of a crying baby with me frantically searching to find her would haunt my nights even 20 years later!
Now, please….I need someone to hear what “MY CHOICE” would have been. I begged for my baby’s life to be spared. I had already spoke with staff at Liberty Godparent Home. I wanted to live there during my pregnancy, where I would have been able to continue with all of my school classes so I did not get behind my class. I would have had the choice of keeping my baby or giving the opportunity to a couple who could not conceive a blessing from God. I wanted desperately to keep my baby but understood that I was young and may not be able to provide what my baby deserved, especially since the only support it seemed I had was my dear grandmother’s, Adell Shelton….God rest her soul. She never gave up on me!
To this day, if you ask me, MY CHOICE was the right choice….but my choice was taken from me. It turned into “THE UNCHOICE”.
There is no doubt that I would wonder what my child would have looked liked today. Or what goals and accomplishments they have already achieved. I would wonder if she/he knew about me. I would be terrified that they may think I didn’t want them or I abandoned them. But one thing is for sure……MY CHILD WOULD BE ALIVE TO WONDER ALL OF THOSE THINGS!
JUST A FEW FACTS:From American Pediatrics: @ just 9 WEEKS gestation, the HEART has been BEATING for OVER a MONTH. 11 WEEKS gestation, NO LONGER called an embryo, now known as “FETUS”, the Latin word for “YOUNG ONE”, has all of the major organ systems. He/she can yawn and suck. The kidneys now produce urine. At 13 WEEKS he/she cans suck their thumb. Fingernails and toenails are growing. The brain, nerves and muscles all work together now. The baby can squint, swallow AMD make a fist……
I am praying that someone has GOT THE POINT!
Please people……STOP THE LIES ABOUT ABORTION!Abortion is ending a life if there is a beating heart. It doesn’t matter what the size. But when a person is told, entering their 2nd trimester of pregnancy, that “it is just tissue” or “its nothing yet” and “it will all be over and done once the abortion is finished and you can carry on and you never even have to tell anyone”…..YOU ARE VERY SADLY MISTAKEN!
An abortion can lead to to many emotional disturbances in a woman’s life, even many years post abortive. But my opinion stands very strong on this…..if a teen or any age woman is forced or coerced into having an abortion, told that she will be abandoned if she does not have the abortion….etc….that should fall under the category as ABUSE!
Any abortion is eventually regretted but one that is truly FORCED on a mother, IS ABUSE!
Please God, let my words get across to a heart that needed to read MY STORY.
FORGIVE THEM FATHER, THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY HAVE DONE.